Godbey: Things would be different if I ran the world

Published 2:30 pm Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

By Jack Godbey


They say things travel in circles, and what goes around will eventually come back around to haunt you.

Email newsletter signup

It seems like yesterday that I was a teenager and was immersed in everything cool. The old folks didn’t really understand me when I used words like, “rad” or “bodacious.” I know exactly how they feel now. I went into a fast-food place because sometimes only French fries can get you through the day. I asked the teenager behind the counter how fresh their French fries were, and he responded that they were, “bussin.” Since I had no idea what that meant, I shot him a mean look and he said, “bro, chill. Don’t be salty.” Confused, I said, “Yes, I would like them with salt.” We just stood there and stared at each other, and it was as if we spoke different languages.

I began to think about some of the things that I would change if I ran the world. One thing is that people today are entirely too loud. Few things are more irritating than having to wait in the checkout line while listening to big mouth Bertha talking on the phone at the top of her lungs. She was talking so loudly, I’m not sure the phone was even necessary.

One thing that I would bring back would be physical buttons. Everything seems to be touch screen these days. Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned button that I can smash like I do the button at the crosswalk while waiting to cross the street. I’m sure that button is not connected to anything and is only there to make me feel as if the light will change faster if I smash it at least a hundred times. Everything from my phone to the gas pump no longer has buttons and I don’t like it.

I went into a restaurant the other day and I asked the server for a menu. She looked at me as if she felt sorry for me and then explained as if she were talking to a first-grader that I had to scan a code with my phone and the menu would come up. I could order my food from my phone and then pay there as well. If I could find a way to have the app fill my drink, there wouldn’t be any need for the server at all. I would like a big greasy paper menu to hold in my hands while I drink my $9 soda in peace, please.

I would like to change automated customer service. I made the mistake of calling customer service because I bought a new microwave that wouldn’t work unless it was connected to the Internet. I’m not sure why my appliances need Internet access. Are they checking their Facebook status? I don’t think that I want my appliances talking to each other. I’m paranoid enough that I’d be sure they were laughing at me behind my back. My refrigerator would say, “Can you believe he ate the entire pack of bologna?”

Is it just me or has the headlights on vehicles become so bright that they could be used as beacons to guide ships into shore. I’m not sure why they need to see four miles ahead, but it leaves me seeing spots for the next 15 minutes.

Yes, if I ran the world, things would be a lot different. I’d have mandatory Milkshake Mondays, and everyone could take a nap in the middle of their workday after eating all the tacos they could hold. Great, now I’m craving tacos. I got to go.