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By Jack Godbey

Columnist

It seems that I can’t watch TV without being bombarded by commercials from the pharmaceutical company advertising the next great pill they want me to swallow. It’s amazing how often the side effects of these medications seem far worse than the condition the medication is being used to treat. I saw one for a pill to help people with a rash.  However, the side effects were listed as nausea, dizziness, constipation, and fatigue. No thanks, I think I would just scratch it and go on.

I suppose I’m not the target audience of those commercials because I don’t take pills.   The last medication that was prescribed to me was when I was in my 20s and was some sort of anxiety medication. The doctor told me it was safe and would ease stress. What they failed to disclose was that it made me sit in a daze watching Sesame Street for hours at a time. Once when I missed a dose, it made me feel like I could beat the snot out of Big Bird if given the chance. No more medications for me.

It’s interesting how past generations were able to treat medical conditions not with pills but with some plant in the wild. I was visiting with some folks that lived in the hills and they asked me if I wanted any hot tea. Well, I’m not English but I suppose if Dr. Pepper isn’t an option, I could drink tea. They went to the yard and to my surprise, picked some dandelions and made tea. Where I come from, this is a weed. I spend every summer mowing them down. 

I was told how they use leaves of the Peppermint Plant to aid in stomach issues or how the bark of a Walnut Tree can be used for everything from a laxative to treating a rash. Some of these treatments were quite strange. For example, hiccups can be treated by eating raw sugar.  Sure, I’ll develop diabetes, but I won’t have hiccups anymore. They say, cucumber slices on the eyes work for a headache but I can’t figure out how to keep the Ranch Dressing out of my eyes. Someone told me to use Oatmeal for skin issues. I ate nearly a pound of it, but my skin didn’t improve. Some people say that washing your feet in Vodka will help with foot odor. Maybe just drink the Vodka and you won’t care that your feet stink anymore.

Growing up, I can’t remember a time that my mother didn’t have an Aloe Vera plant nearby to treat burns and scrapes.  Once, my sister came home with a sunburn so bad, she looked like a Pepperoni Pizza. My mother sprang into action and soaked paper grocery bags in vinegar and wrapped her up like a Burrito and she was back to tormenting me in no time.

I recall my mother putting fried onions on our chest whenever we had a chest cold and magically it would draw out the sickness in no time. The downside was it made me very hungry. People swear by Apple Cider Vinegar but I’m a little skeptical of something that I can clean the commode with and then make a nice salad dressing with the rest.  In my world, those are two separate things.     

Vegetables may be useful as medicine, but they can be dangerous. I cut my finger the other day cutting up some vegetables. I’ve never cut my finger eating a donut. Just saying.  I think Donuts can be used as medicine to increase a person’s mood. I know I get happy when I eat one.